| I really miss the ways things used to be...a few months ago...two years ago. Things have changed between the only friends I had and even randy. It's uncomfortable not knowing what to expect and what the next step will be. I'm scared and apprehensive.
Not to mention, I hate how I ruin everything myself. I give myself the stupid ideas and I force randy into saying the things I don't want to hear. I set myself up to be miserable. I'm such a pessimist. I need to stop comparing. I need to just live.
Luckily tomorrow I get to sleep in. Maybe extra sleep with calm everything down. I always complain and I'm sorry.
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| It is my belief that everything in the world happens for a reason. All the good and all the bad have a purpose in some plan whether it be God's plan or the Universe's plan or whatever else is out there. Everything is part of our destiny.
Nothing is meaningless.
Although it may sound horrible, I don't mean the following in a horrible way at all, and you will understand by the end. I've been pondering this all week but I've come to the conclusion that I think it was fate what happened to the girl from Hersey. It was her destiny to lose her life Sunday night. I, in no way think she deserved it or that she did something wrong and this was her punishment. I think that from the moment of her birth she was destined to die on that day.
Part of me thinks I've come up with this stupid conclusion to help me cope. It makes sense. I don't even know this girl but her tragic story has consumed me since the moment I heard her story. It got worse when I saw her picture and I could connect a name to a face. I hate to imagine that that face is gone.
If I say it was her destiny, it can pretend that its okay or at least it will be.
I'm not sure when I became such a fatalist but I think it must have been when my nona got sick and suddenly passed away. I needed a way to cope that abrupt loss. . .I still do.
So if I'm right, what is meant to happen to me? Will I get lost abruptly, or will I wander away with old age? It's a scary topic...this fate stuff.
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| watch this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VDBpQVhCMb8 It made my week. V1:
You be my princess
I'll be your toad
I'll follow behind you
on rainbow road
Protect you from red shells
wherever we go
I promise.
V2:
Noone will touch us
if we pick up a star
If you spin out
you can ride in my car
When we slide together
we generate sparks
in our wheels and our hearts
Chorus:
The finish line
is just around the bend
I'll pause this game
so our love will never end
Let's go again
V3:
The blue shell is coming
so I'll go ahead
If you hang behind
it'll hit me instead
but never look back
cause I'm down but not dead
I'll catch up to you
Bridge:
Don't worry about
Bowser or DK
Eat this glowing mushroom
and they'll all fade away
Chorusx2
to the mushroom cup
and the flower cup
and the star cup
and the reverse cup
walalalalala
walalalalalawaluigiiiiii |
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| So i think maybe I'll come back to this. It's better than handwriting my thoughts which is just tedious and this way I can say exactly what I'm feeling right away...which has its downsides. I tend to say things I regret.
I'm waiting for something exciting to happen. Anything. Something out of the ordinary; something atypical of real life.
My life lacks spontaneity. I'm routine and ordinary. Everyday I come home from school, kiss randy goodbye and do homework until dinner. After dinner i do homework until randy calls. After randy hangs up i do homework until i can't stay up any longer and I fall asleep. Its the same day in and day out.
The weekends are similar yet opposite. I mix up the routine by sleeping in, watching t.v., actually seeing randy, watching more t.v. and going to bed. I used to do homework but I've given that up. I don't know whether to call it senioritis or reality. No one can be a tight ass all their life.
The other day randy and i hung out with dave, jill, ryan, and jessica. it was refreshing. I don't know these people or like all of them but it was nice to break the mold. I like meeting people.
i need to meet more people. I need to experience more things and grow.
I'm not growing. i've stayed the same for too long. I'm diverting back to my old ways and comparing myself to everyone and wishing i was everyone else. it's pathetic and i hate it. and thats why i need something new and exciting. something to remind me that i can enjoy life on my own, without the need to be superficial.
I want to break the rules and feel something, anything.
i love randy but we're monotonous. we do the same thing everytime we hang out, have the same arguments all the time, love each other the same way all the time. that's why hanging out with people was nice. it let us experience each other in a different light.
i miss being social. I used to be so social.
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| so i've stopped writing in here because i cant ever really say what I want to say. I'd rather keep most of this to myself anyway. But everythings doing good. summer is good. I'd just rather keep the details to myself :] |
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